I’m beginning to believe that I have two types of days.
The first kind of day…. I feel energetic and new, a false hope ill soon find out. It’s a new day and for some reason I’m struck with pathetic notions that today will be different, very different, from every other day. How? Why? you ask… I feel as if today, my dreams will come true. Little do i realize this day flies by like every other. It’s night time. I’m drinking again. More than usual. Everyone says you speak the truth when you’re drunk, I say…I speak worse when I’m drunk. I’m not much of a talker, I’m more of an idea man. I can chit chat all day and be witty as fuck but when it comes to saying the right thing at the right moment, not this guy. I’m more of a fuck up than i think i am. (I’ve given up on capitalizing and punctuation at this point). I can easily express myself in words. when i have time to think about what I’m saying. when I’m drunk, there is no thought process. so i foolishly make bad mistakes as the night continues. more drinks, more false hopes burning inside. eventually i come to a boiling point, which is very short mind you I’m not talking about anger but i mean more of a boiling point of sanity. I’ve always been one to judge at everyone else’s character but never my own. believe me, lately, I’m my own worst critic. i call who I’m not supposed too, i call whom doesn’t want to be called. i foolishly think this helps. little do i know nothing works, and now I’m home. alone. of course. falling over myself. taking clothes off. keeping clothes on. none of which is part of my routine. i leave my contacts in, because i don’t plan on staying. every time i think that my phone will ring and like superman I’m out that door. it never does. i hate sleeping. but this day, i fall quickly. i awaken a lot, only to replenish my thirst of which the alcohol has stricken me of. this night is restless. but the drunk calmly settles me quickly back down.
i awaken to start again.
yes yes yes believe it or not most likely always follows the previous day. early bird gets the worm. I’m too busy recovering to recognize any feelings i once had the previous day. but hey give it a bit and they sneak up on you. the day starts early and shows promise, just shows it. slowly i start to think ill get to rebuttal my many mistakes my past day, but i never get that chance, only more chances to make a fool of myself, which I’m quite good at. all this is over one thing, one thing i just can’t shake. I’ve been trying. this day surpassingly involves no liquid fueled substance yet brings more of a realization that nothing i can ever do will make a change. the more i try the more i fail. there is no cute saying for what i do. “create a complete ass of yourself to prove that the ass you were in the past was nothing but an accident and the mature you is now less of an ass as you think” once a cheater always a cheater, i respectfully disagree. one mistake will lead to others, fact. multiple mistakes will lead to experience. once you’ve experienced all of your mistakes and become conscious of them, you can change. i have changed, we all do. change is irrelevant. I am not always gunna like the things i do today, say, 20 years from now. but i have learned from my mistakes, many of them, and ill shall do my best not to repeat. all this being said, I’m still worse off on this day then i am on any other. all this rains down on me, just me. i place blame on myself. solely i am the one to blame.
yet i constantly seek recognition from the one, the one that not only got away, but i threw away. i.did.this. can i keep this charade going, how long will it be. until i learn. will it ever stop.
i feel as if this all makes no sense. no one cares. i sure as hell don’t.
all i care about is the fact that i can do a million other things than this, yet i passionately can’t stop.
I can’t be without you, Though I’m learning that I have to, And it hurts my heart. I stare at our picture. There’s no warmth in this frame. I missed your call another day, And though the years will pass you so quickly, I hope you know that I’ll be here, If ever you need me, but… Its all my fault for bringing on this pain. I locked my vaults and threw away the keys. So kill it out of me, so quickly I need you to know, I didn’t plan for this and while you grow, I want to be there for it. Please promise me I’ll get the chance another day. Well I’ve been without you, And each night it keeps me up wide awake, A different place I’m only doing what I know how to do. To best provide for you. Though I can’t spend my time with you